Desire.

Sometimes, I write down a thought I have for a post in my drafts to come back to one day, and then proceed to forget about it and never end up writing anything. This post was something that I had a few drafts on but could never really put all my thoughts together. I think my head is so full of ideas on this subject, it is difficult for me to put it all together. I honestly have more drafts than published posts so hopefully, I can pull most of it together, and start to talk about this really special topic. I am sure there will be more to come.

Today’s topic: Boys.

More specifically, a significant other.

And even more specifically, a husband.

But most specifically, the desire that we have to be wanted and loved.

Sometimes I feel a sudden rush of panic. An undeniable need and desire to be loved and to be seen. A desire to be somebody’s, somebody. For a very long time, I have opened myself up to different relationships.  A lot of those relationships, I was focusing on an end goal more than the person I was going to share it with. This doesn’t mean that I was not fond of or even loved the people that I had relationships with.  But, for a long time, I have had a specific plan in mind of how my life was going to play out.

Have you ever heard someone talk about their incremental year plans? Meaning a 5, 10, or 20 year plan? I heard this a lot when I was in college, often in the same conversation as the phrase, “ring before spring.” A lot of the girls that I knew in college, wanted to get married or at least be engaged before they graduated, and in all reality, it happens a lot. That mindset of ‘x’ years plan, and things like “ring before spring,” led me to focus on my goals and desires, rather than being desired.

When I was in high school, I often used to think about getting married and having kids by a certain age. Most of the women in my family have been young wives and mothers, and I think it has worked out pretty well for them. Because of that, I had an ideal picture in my head that I would do the same, and be like them. I have always wanted my great grandmother to meet one of her great great grandchildren.

Obviously, I cannot control how long she lives, but in my head, I could control how long it took me to get married and have kids. Now you are probably reading this, going I don’t care and maybe you don’t understand why I am telling you this. Well here is why.

For a very long time, I have focused on having a boyfriend. I have focused on what the world sees, our perfect relationship, how much my family likes him, what beautiful kids we would have, and I stopped thinking about myself.

This idea that I was sacrificing so much of myself and what I wanted, didn’t occur to me until my last relationship. I realized with someone who didn’t want the same things I did, it wasn’t worth compromising over, or following my previously thought out plan if we weren’t going to be happy. I realized that I was not destined to be with someone who constantly clashed with who I was and what I needed out of relationship. I realized that God has set out the perfect person for me and trying to force something will never work. I realized that in following God’s plan for my life, rather than focusing on my own, would satisfy my heart infinitely more than trying to make things work my way.

God’s plan would satisfy the desire I had to be desired, in a way that honored Him.

In scripture, over and over again, God promises extraordinary things.  To Abraham in Genesis, He promises a son to a barren wife, and blesses them with Isaac. To Moses in Exodus, He promises to deliver the Israelites through Moses and Aaron’s faithfulness, and then parts the red sea. To Jeremiah, He promises His faithfulness while he feels inadequate, and Jeremiah finds the words He needs to speak God’s word.

In my own life, and I am sure in yours, I have seen astounding things. Maybe not in the moment, and maybe not for awhile, but when I take a step back and look at how God has worked in my life, I can see the promises that He has fulfilled for even me.

So, in all of my thoughts and prayers on this subject, I have come to a simple conclusion that is honestly pretty difficult for me to hold on to: It is all in God’s hands. I think the reason this is hard for me to hold on to is because I want to be able to control this part of my life above any other part. This is the one are of my life that I sometimes wish I could have full control over.

But then, when I start to think this and I start to get upset about the fact that I am unable to control it, I remember a beautiful promise that God has made to us. In our obedience, He promises faithfulness.

Remember this: God’s plan is so much bigger, so much more extraordinary and fulfilling than anything we can dream up. Remember that God knew you before you were in your mothers womb and then He knit together all of the intricacies that make you, you with a purpose and a plan. Each of those beautiful things, God had a reason for, and He will use them. Do not be discouraged if you are in a dry season or if you feel like God has abandoned you. He is there, He is always listening, and He will be faithful as we abide in Him.

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