It has been a hot second since I wrote anything, but I was recently inspired to come back on and figure things out. Writing has been an outlet of mine for a very long time and I always seem to feel better and sort out all of my feelings when I am able to put them on paper. I love writing here because it makes me feel heard, even if no one reads the words I write. As I am sitting here today, doing homework, trying to get through another busy Sunday, my mind keeps asking the question, “Why God?”
This morning in service at church, we talked about doubt. I think that doubt has been a really scary topic for me in the past and I was unsure how to deal with it. As I get older and experience more and more of life, I realize that doubt often pushes me to find the answers I am looking for or even closure. I think that I am having a really difficult time today with the news a friend passing, but also just trying to figure out what it is I am doing. I struggle often with my faith, and going through the hills and valleys that it bring but I know that there is one thing constant amidst it all: Jesus.
While this post may be procrastinating on homework that I am doing and even me avoiding really feeling all of the emotions and thoughts that I have running through my mind right now, I know that Jesus is here with me.
I just recently had to make a pretty big decision regarding my job, and it involved a lot of doubt and worry that I wasn’t going to follow the path that God had for me. I am realizing that almost every area of my life, contains some form of self or spiritual doubt that I struggle with on a regular basis. Feeling like I am going to disappoint or let My God down, is really hard to stomach. Despite the fact that He loves me so immeasurably, I still doubt that I am worthy of Him or his gifts that He gave us.
So, I come back to that pesky question, “Why God?” Why do I feel this way? Why does my heart contain doubt and low self worth? Why am I sucked into the feeling of not being worthy enough or good enough? Why God, do I doubt the plan that you already have for me in motion? The human condition as some would call it, may seem impossible to overcome. But friends, I think that there is a very real and awesome truth that we have to remember. God is blameless, He is Awesome in power, wonderful, loving, gracious and forgiving, and he sees us nothing less than the most precious diamond ever formed.
That is what I must hold onto. Jesus created me, loves me, and will never let me down. Therefore, I know that my Jesus will always be proud of the woman that I am, and the love that I have in my heart, and will love me even in the deepest doubt filled valleys.
Thank you for listening or reading what is on my heart right now. I hope to feel some healing here soon, for right now, I am trusting that God has me in the palm of his hand.