I think that it is time that I be completely honest with everyone.
I have been struggling a lot. There have been a lot of things that have been going on in my life that have had me distracted. Distracted from the real things that matter, or should matter. I have had this huge roller coaster of emotions, of life, and I must honestly admit that I have felt extremely far from God.
I know, craziness.
I think that we all have these times in our lives, and you know, I think it’s okay. Something that I have come to realize is, God wants us to find him, to draw near to him, to seek his presence, day in day out. That is why those times we feel so far away are strangely good. I think that it makes us fight harder to find Him. I’ll admit, I was reluctant and a little angry. I have thought, “WHY??,” a lot in the past few months. I have questioned, I have been silent, I have been mournful, angry, but guess what. Somehow I found joy too.
I realized that I hadn’t written on here in over two months and that makes my heart really sad. I used to love to share my thoughts with other people and this was a great forum to spill my guts, so to speak. So for the absence, I apologize, not only to you, but to myself. When I write things down, I think clearer. So here is me thinking clearly.
Over the past few days, my “why’s,” have sharply turned in to “please’s.” Please change something, please do something, please open a door or even a window. Please God, help me.
And oh boy, did He.
I was watching Eat, Pray, Love today and for those of you who haven’t seen it, I highly suggest you do. Even if you don’t think you will get anything out of it, somehow it finds a way to pick your heart strings. Anyway, Julia Roberts, the main character, visits three countries to eat, pray, and love. She tells a story, about an old Italian joke that goes like this.
“There’s a wonderful old Italian joke about a poor man who goes to church every day and prays before the statue of a great saint, begging, “Dear saint-please, please, please…give me the grace to win the lottery.” This lament goes on for months. Finally the exasperated statue comes to life, looks down at the begging man and says in weary disgust, “My son-please, please, please…buy a ticket.”
So I don’t know about you, but I don’t think God looks down at us in disgust, but this idea made me say wow. This totally and completely applies to my relationship with God. Sometimes, I think that I expect God to just do something. I expect Him to do all the work and for me to take all the credit.
The best example that I can think of in my own life of this is my scoliosis. For years, I prayed to God that he would take it away, I prayed in anger, about having it in the first place, I prayed for healing, but I never did anything but pray. When I finally got off my feet and put the work in along with the prayer, I saw improvement. My pain started to go away. I could physically see the prayers being answered. That was one of the biggest wow moments in my life where I was in awe of the work God could do. All of the doctors told me it was incurable, nothing would ever change it would only get worse. When I decided to take that leap of faith, and let God take over the treatment, I started healing.
To me, this seems like such a small instance in my life. This is one thing, that somehow one way or another, there had to be an earthly treatment like being on high pain meds for the rest of my life. But God said no to that. He took even one of the smallest parts of my life, and made me see Him through it. He took my by the hand and said, “trust me.”
I think God totally says, “Go buy a ticket, please, please, please,” to us. He wants us to seek, to find, to love as hard as we possibly can. I think, when we do this, we will start to feel, maybe even physically, His streams of mercy, and never ceasing. We will see His unending, marvelous, powerful glory, and we won’t be able to take our eyes off of it.
I was going to write this blog post about how much I don’t know about the bible. I was reading something today that made me realize, wow, I grew up nodding my head and smiling a lot. I focused on concepts and have never know a lot of facts. I could sit here and tell you all the things I went searching for, all the names and things that I didn’t know, but I want to tell you what I do know.
We have a God, who is RUNNING after us. He isn’t fast walking, or skipping, He sprints toward us. He shows us love even when we do not deserve it. The moment we realize this, the moment I did, I saw how fast He was coming for me, I knew I had to go just as fast toward Him. I have committed my life to Him, and now all I want to do is run. I want to run so fast that my legs go numb, I want to run until my feet bleed, if I can only get a glimpse of the wonder that is our beautiful savior.